


Inferior Setting

by greenkangaroo



Category: Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Eol does not understand this fairy bullshit, Gen, I apologize for nothing, I can OPEN A FUCKING DOOR NAVI, I forged the sword that's going to kill the ultimate evil in the Battle to end all Battles, I have been around for longer than you can imagine, Legend of Zelda meets Lord of the Rings, crossover AU, if you like your Eol as a one dimensional controlling rapist, it makes that whole suspension of belief thing easier, navi abuse, predictably, pretend that he survived carag dur, stop telling me how to open a door you annoying talking light ball, there is no point, weird shit happens, you came to the wrong fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:45:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenkangaroo/pseuds/greenkangaroo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eol would not make a very good Hero of Time. It started as a crack oneshot for a friend. It is slowly growing into 'Eol is going to beat Ganondorf with his own stupid headgear and take all the spiritual stones home grumbling the entire time after he polishes the master sword and dropkicks a couple of kokiri'. I regret nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amaronith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaronith/gifts).



Eol looked down the web-covered shaft of the tree. The monstrously large, sentient tree that had demanded he break some kind of curse and then opened what presumably passed for jaws though it was a tree and therefore had no need for a mouth with which to consume its meals. 

"So this curse thing has a bed down there?" he asked the small, annoying ball of light with wings.

"Yes!" she- it? well whatever it was it _chirped._ "Remember, use A to-"

Eol grabbed several sticks from the scattered corpses of the weird living biting plants (and made a mental note to stuff one in a bag before he figured out just how the hell to get home- Erestor would like a look at it) and arranged them in a circle around the outer edges of the room. He pulled the dwarf-oil from one of the many pockets of his jerkin and drizzled it over all of them.

"Right."

He removed his flint.

The tiny fairy children were understandably distressed that their parent tree had gone up in flames but Eol felt they really couldn’t complain- the thing had as much admitted it was diseased to the roots and there simply was nothing to be done.

Besides, now he had this very beautiful emerald.

Entirely inferior setting, though.

He’d fix that.

As soon as he discovered a way to drown the annoying talking light ball.


	2. Dragons and Dodongos

"You want me to jump down there." 

"Yes." Annoying Talking Light Ball said. 

Eol peered down the large, perfectly square hole that had appeared in defiance of most natural laws when he'd dropped a bomb on it. "I see lava." 

"We need to get the spiritual stone of-" 

Eol tried shoving ATLB in a bottle again, just in case he'd gotten the angle wrong the first time. 

Nope. Nope, she wouldn't go. 

Damn it all. 

"In what rational world would I want to jump down from a great height, possibly break my legs, and- wait something just went by." 

Eol laid out on his stomach. "....Aule's sweaty balls it's a dragon." 

"We need to get the-" 

"I KNOW." Eol said. He brought out the odd, leathery pouch he'd gotten and pulled out a bomb. Odd things. Useful, but odd. Maybe he'd bring them home with him. They'd help clear stumps, certainly. "Now shut up I am concentrating."

Bad enough he'd had to run all around this stupid cave system with its abysmal lack of proper rock formations. The tiny bats had just added insult to injury, not to mention the stupid living statues and the _bomb flowers._ He'd been setting them off by kicking them. 

He'd been kicking an awful lot of things, since meeting that weird little princess. 

Well, dropping bombs on a dragon would no doubt improve his mood. 

Maybe if he timed it right ATLB would get caught in the backlash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mama, I did it again.


	3. The Church On Time

He was soaking wet, sore, and beginning to feel more than a little chafed. He blinked at the very small Princess (not the one in pink, this one was a..dolphin? Shark? windsail fish?) who beamed back at him. 

"What did you just call it?" Eol asked.

"You could call it the Zora's engagement ring!" The dolphin-shark-windsail princess repeated brightly. 

Eol looked at the gems in her hand. 

He looked at her. 

"I changed my mind you can keep it." He began to backpedal as fast as he could in waterlogged leather boots. 

"Alright! I'll give you my most precious possession!" 

"No I don't want it. I am telling you-" 

She swam away from him. 

"Get back here you tiny watery trollop!" 

There was a flash of blue light. 

The damn sapphires hovered over his head. 

"You don't understand. I was married once." Eol called to her, ignoring the gems and ATLB's excited fluttering. "It did not end well. Little girl I am easily ten times your age-"

_Don't tell my father..._

"I most certainly _will_ you are too young to be going around engaging yourself to strange pointy-eared men-" 

Too late. She was gone. 

"Mahal damn it." 

And the sapphires had a setting that was just as awful as the ruby and the emerald before them. And who in the name of Eru called it a sapphire, singular? There were clearly three of the damn things here. Beautiful color, though. Near perfect sky blue, he'd never seen the like. Totally worth slogging through a gigantic hippocampus's innards. 

Not so worth the jellyfish. 

Or the marriage proposal. 

Eol shuddered. If he was lucky he could get home before he needed to worry about dealing with the gigantic tuna with legs that called itself King Zora. The dolphin-shark-windsail princess was young. She'd find another bauble and another sucker. 

"We finally have all three spiritual stones!" ATLB gushed. "We should return to the castle and-" 

Eol couldn't help the grin of satisfaction when his palm connected solidly with ATLB, knocking it straight into the stone wall with a squeak of dismay and a sound like silver bells.

Wonderful. Home was not far away. 

The castle was, though. 

Maybe the owl that defied all logical laws of gravity would give him a lift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -throws up hands-  
> -gets a drink-


	4. The Perils of Plot Advancement

That princess had an arm like a pikeman. 

Eol watched as the ocarina sailed in a damn near perfect arch over his head. The white horse bearing her and her bodyguard disappeared over the horizon, towards the ranch with the creepy little redhead who reminded him of Feanor's twin sons, with her bobbing and inarticulate melodizing. 

Eol shrugged and waded into the moat. It wasn't all that deep- perhaps up to his hips. 

Really, who bothered designing a moat that wasn't deep enough to drown someone? This entire realm was suffering from a lack of decent architects. 

And jewelers. 

And people with _common sense_ it seemed like. 

"The princess threw something in the water!" ATLB declared. "We should go get it!" 

"Yes, we should." Eol said dryly, looking down at the water he was already standing in. "Just- go over there and don't hurt yourself or anything." He waded forward towards the ocarina. Weird, it resembled the one that the little green-haired chit had. Seemed to be made of something else, though- stone? It was blue, and shiny. He bent to pick it up. 

Hooves thundered over the drawbridge, and then came to a halt. 

"Argh! I lost them!" 

Eol blinked and looked up. 

"You there, boy!" It was a man with red hair and wearing black armor. The same man Eol had spotted through the window when the princess (the one in pink) insisted that he peek once he'd snuck through the royal garden, intent on finding the King of this ridiculous kingdom and giving him a severe talking to. 

"I'm not a boy." Eol replied. "Are you blind?" 

"Which way did the white horse go?" 

"Up your arse." Eol replied. 

"So.." the man said. "You think you can protect them. Pathetic little fool! Do you realize who you are dealing with?! I am Ganondorf! And soon I will rule the world!" 

"Will you now?" Eol asked. "Doesn't seem all that difficult. The entire place is cracked as a silvian squirrel." 

Ganondorf held out his hand. A pulsing light began to gather. 

Well. That was never good. 

Eol reached into his belt pouch. The emerald? No, too soft. The ruby? No that setting would make it impossible to balance. The sapphires, then. 

He withdrew the spiritual stone of water and, with a carefully aimed hand, threw it as hard as he could. 

The little pink princess had an arm like a pikeman, but Eol had been killing deer by javelin for years. 

The sapphires whirled through the air like the sharp metal stars Eol sometimes traded with eastern men for. 

THUNK. 

They knocked Ganondorf off the back of his horse, out cold. 

The stallion gave Eol a look that could have been 'thank you' or perhaps 'I am above such ridiculous affairs' and then galloped off. 

Eol nodded to himself and picked up the ocarina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know with enough force behind it the Zora's Sapphire could probably kill people. 
> 
> Just sayin'.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in February. Amaronith said something, I was playing Ocarina for the hundredth time, it all went downhill from there. It continues to go downhill at a reasonable pace. Unless I decide to play the song of time.


End file.
